BLOGS
Have you ever had to work in a group where there was no leader? No one took the reins to guide the group in a clear direction and so the members simply flounder along with no good guidance. Or maybe you have been in a group where there are too many leaders. Two different people feel they know what is right for the entire group and but want to lead in different directions. In either situation the result is confusion and frustration for all involved.
Both of the above scenarios are common in families today. There are times when neither the husband nor the wife takes a clear lead and decisions are left up to chance or each takes a turn being in charge at different times. This sounds like a fair way to run things, but when put into practice this causes a mess. In the reverse, both the husband and the wife claim leadership and then often try to lead in different directions. Each spouse may feel they know the best way to discipline the kids, make family decisions, or handle the money. This causes great confusion for the children and keeps families going in circles instead of making progress toward any priorities. So what is the answer? You must name a chief of your tribe. There must be a clear leader whose decision is final. According to the Bible, this must be the husband. Now Ladies, stay with me and just keep on reading. In 1 Corinthians 11:3 it says, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” We can see in this verse that the husband is to be the head of the wife, so this is Biblical. The husband is assigned the role of being the leader in this marital relationship. This is no easy task, just ask Adam. We know that it was his wife, Eve, that first ate of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, but who takes the blame? Read Romans 5:12, “…sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men…” Adam takes the blame of allowing sin to enter the world and therefore spreading to all men. Eve was our first example of how our actions can dishonor our husbands. If the husband is to lead his wife, who is leading the husband? The verse in 1 Corinthians 11 clearly tells us it is Christ himself. The husband takes his cues on how to lead from Jesus. That right there should be enough to completely satisfy us… but if not, check out what Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. There is no greater love than the love of Christ towards his bride of the church. Husbands are called to have this type of sacrificial love towards their wife. Don’t miss the enormity and intensity of this. Jesus poured everything he had, including his blood, out for his bride of the church. Husbands are called to no less than this. I know the question that is coming… what happens when you have a husband who is not serving the Lord? Does this give you the permission you have been hoping for to chuck this marriage and check out eHarmony? No way. You are still called to submit leadership to your non-believing husband. You will be the model of Christ to him in how you serve him. Pray for his salvation and love him toward Jesus with all you have. Read 1 Peter 3:1-2, these verses speak directly to this. Ladies, allowing your husband to be the Chief of your household is very freeing. God’s way of doing things is always best, including how he has set up leadership in marriage. I’m proud to call Phil Chief of our little tribe and I will gladly support him as he keeps his eyes on Christ. I admit I have failed at this so many times; I have tried to step in front of him thinking I know what is best. When I do this I feel the shift of unrest and unbalance it causes. This discernment has come not through years of marriage, but from maturing in my walk with Christ. My Pastor recently used the metaphor of dancing to describe this marital balance. There can only be one leader for a dance to be beautiful, if both try to lead (or neither) it is an uncoordinated mess. In our home I relate easier to the tribe mentality (could be because Phil and I are lousy dancers). I like thinking of our household as a small band of warriors with a mutual mission and the bond of relationship. We stand together, armed with the Word of God as we battle a real Enemy that desires to keep our family from being effective and fruitful. This leads me to the gift that God has granted all wives… encouragement. Once we name our husband as the Chief of our home it does not release us of responsibility or leave us without a say in how the family is run. God has given us a super-power in the form of how we use our words and actions to build up our man. Watch for ways to praise his efforts and respect his decisions. Demonstrate a Biblical marriage for your children so they will know how to care for their own tribe someday. Watch for my upcoming blog on the beauty of submission.
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I have had the opportunity to talk to several mothers one on one lately and in each conversation there seemed to be a common thread. It had to do with feeling the weight of responsibility for their children. Whether it be in their child’s decisions, actions or even appearances. One mother worried about how her actions today would affect her young children in years to come, another mother worried that her children were gaining too much weight and how that would reflect on her parenting, and still another mother worried about the decisions that her adult son was making and how it would affect his future.
As each of these mothers shared with me, I could feel the burden they were carrying; it was heavy. I understand this burden well; I have carried it many times myself. Mothers of all ages and stages feel this burden no matter how old their children are. We feel responsible for how our children behave, how they respond to others, and how they perform in life. We take the full credit when they do good and even more so when they do poorly. Mothers, my advice to you today… lay the burden down. It is not yours to carry. Oh yes, we need to “Train up a child in the way he should go” as it says in Proverbs 22:6. And “… do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” as in Ephesians 6:4. Absolutely, God has given us the responsibility of raising these specific children. He has put them under our charge and into our care. That is a great responsibility that we need to take very seriously. However, the RESULTS are not on our shoulders. The results are God’s alone. God has a specific plan and path through life for your child to follow. Jeremiah 29:11, “ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.” No one can change God’s plans or put their child on what we feel to be a more “appropriate” path to follow (or a more socially acceptable one). Remember God has already written out your child’s entire life for eternity and he knows what is truly best for your child. Plus, (brace yourself for this one)…God loves your child MORE than you do (see Romans 5:8 and 8:38-39). I remind my children of this often. Do you think that this would confuse them or worry them? No way, they know how much I love them and for them to know that the Almighty Creator loves them even more – how awesome! It is wonderful that they (and we) can rest in the assurance that God loves them and is in charge of their everyday life and their futures. To assume that we are to take the credit when our children excel or the blame when our children experience a failure is putting ourselves in the place of God in their lives. That is not where we are supposed to be, he alone can be King. We can teach them to eat healthy and engage in physical activities with them, but God determines their body type and what he wants them to look like. We can set boundaries and provide godly discipline as they grow, but we are not responsible for every bad (or good) decision they make when they are grown. I realize that it is no easy task to let go of this burden of how our children “turn out”. We cling to it like it is a part of who we are, but it’s not meant to be that way. So take a deep breath and release it to God. Take reassurance that God welcomes your burdens and instructs us to give them to him: “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalms 55:22 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29 Keep your focus on raising your children to love Christ and his powerful Word. Guide them with godly discipline and train them up in the way they should go, but understand, their final destination and how they get there is up to God. The idea of control is such a funny thing. I, myself am a recovering control freak. I never knew I was a control freak until talking with my sister one day. She was telling me how she was one. Everything she described herself as described me to the letter. What a shock! Me, a control freak?? Couldn’t be. I started to watch how I went about things and how I treated my kids and husband. I started to hear myself saying things like, “No, Phil you can’t wear that tacky shirt, it clashes with my red one!” “Boys, don’t squeeze the ketchup bottle like that, do it this way!” “Honey, you need to pray less like a robot.” “We can’t eat tator tots for breakfast.” Yep, the list goes on and on. I was a control freak and didn’t know it. Once I admitted it, I did feel better; everyone else around me said they already knew.
I said control is a funny thing and here is why… I have none. And neither do you. Okay, so that doesn’t sound so funny after all. But it is. Picture this; we are down here on Earth, doing our thing, thinking we have everything figured out. But when we look up, we see God smiling above us orchestrating every move we make. Not only that but he is also giving directions to the stars, oceans, and animals at the same time. God tell us in Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” And in Proverbs 16:9, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Straight from the Book of Wisdom. We plan, we prepare, we direct, and we strategize. We think we have everything organized and under “control”. God smiles. He knows our future, he authored it. He knows our next move, he ordained it. Our sense of control over things in this life and on this Earth is simple vanity. We want to be little gods over our little domain. In James 4:16 God calls it “boasting in your arrogance.” That’s why I say I’m a recovering control freak. Once I realized how badly my flesh wanted to be in charge of everything, I recognized it as sin. I don’t need to control things; God has everything already under control. I shouldn’t get in his way by thinking it’s me getting things done right. I need to surrender the reigns to him. And honestly, what a relief that is! I don’t have to direct my life, that’s God’s job. I just have to trust in him and listen for his direction as I go. I also have to stay out of his way and allow him to work in my husband’s and children’s hearts at well. That’s good, because as hard as I tried I couldn’t fix them (yes, that’s a joke). I just need to love them and encourage them to seek God’s will too. Are you trying to control too much in your life? Give it up, girl! That’s no way to live. Let your husband wear the tacky shirt, people will know he dresses himself. Let the kid squeeze the ketchup bottle the wrong way, he’ll learn character while he’s on the floor mopping it up. Thank God for a husband who prays consistently. Tator tots for breakfast? Maybe. |
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